Once and Again
by Adrienne2
Summary: Just an old story that I found in my files. Abby angst, her thoughts during Sailing Away


"Once and Again" 

By Adrienne

Author's Note: Told from Abby's POV, a sequel to "Uncertainty."

Spoilers: Through "Sailing Away"

Not again. I can't deal with this again. How many times have I done this and how many times has she gone off her meds? But she's my mother, I remind myself, and nothing can change that. It's an irreversible fact, there's a tie binding us that can't be broken. Or maybe it's just that I can't let go and admit defeat.

Right now I'm on a plane to Oklahoma and Carter is sitting next to me, fast asleep. Now I regret not listening to Luka. He was probably right and I'm feeling guilty about how we said goodbye. I know he was hurt about what I said, I could see it in his eyes. Luka is never very expressive about his emotions, but you can always tell what he's feeling by looking in his eyes.

Luka and Carter don't get along, that's obvious to everyone by now. They disagree about patients, Luka complains when Carter calls me at home and Carter is always hinting that he doesn't think Luka and I belong together. But I'm a big girl; I can take care of things myself. What bothers me more is the gossip among everyone else in the ER. I know they don't think I notice, but I hear them when they wonder if Luka and I actually have a relationship, or if it's just sex, and when they comment on the "great chemistry" Carter and I have. I know Luka and I had a rough start, but out relationship has changed so much over the last few months. We still have problems to work out, secrets to reveal, and lessons in trust, but I think it might just work out.

I'm so grateful to Carter for coming with me. He's been a great friend and has always been there for me, especially the last time Maggie showed up. When he got back from rehab last fall, I was afraid he'd still be angry with me, since I was the one who reported his drug use. But he understood it was for the best, and when he saw me at that AA meeting, I was almost relieved because I finally had someone to confide in about my addiction outside of the group.

Sometimes I get the feeling Carter wants more than friendship, but that's a road I don't want to travel. He's a friend, nothing more.

As we pull up to the motel I wonder for the millionth time what I'm doing here. This time won't be any different than all the others. It will begin with me picking up the pieces and her leaving again. It's a never-ending cycle.

My first sight of Maggie is shocking. Her hair is greasy and the clothes she's wearing are dirty. She has this empty expression on her face, as if she's just a body lying there on the bed. There are beer cans and pizza boxes strewn around the room. Why does she let herself get like this? Why does she always come back to this same place of despair and depression? It's something I just can't understand. Or maybe I don't want to.

We go into the bathroom and I pour water for a bath. Once again I'm the caretaker, the mother, not the daughter. I want to cry and scream and hit something. Questions are streaming through my mind. "Why couldn't my mother be normal?" "Why can't I have a peaceful life?" But I say nothing, as usual. Abby, the dutiful daughter.

I can't believe this is happening. What could she possibly have taken? Carter and I are rushing to the ER, and it's taking an eternity. Finally we reach the hospital and I see Luka running up to the car and for a moment I feel safe, like everything will be okay. But that moment is over as they lift Maggie onto a gurney and rush her into Trauma 1. They intubate her and suddenly she starts seizing. Is this how it's going to end? Am I going to sit here and watch my mother die? I want to run out of this room, into Luka's arms, but my feet are firmly attached to the ground. I feel the tears welling up and I try to hold them back. I can't cry here, not in front of everyone. Please, oh please, let this all just be a nightmare that I'll wake up from.

Now I'm outside Maggie's ICU room. I'm exhausted, but even if I tried I probably couldn't sleep. Luka sits down beside me. I tell him I should've listened to him, but he simply accepts that and doesn't react. He tells me she'll be all right, but I know she never will. Luka puts his arms around me, and I collapse against him. He kisses my forehead and strokes my hair. I don't need to say anything, because he already knows what I want to tell him: Thank you for being here for me.


End file.
